Not by Bread Alone: Day 8/40

I’ll be completely honest; the urge to quit was even stronger tonight. I found myself reading the testimonies of some other people who have fasted for this long to see if they felt this overwhelmed “so soon” into the 40 days. I talked to a friend. I asked for prayers. Then, I felt compelled to be on my own knees talking to my Father.  Why am I seeking wisdom from the mortal when the Immortal God has opened up His Throneroom to me?

Today was the worst day for me physically. I felt weak and tired from about 12pm on. I apparently looked pale at work too, because one of my regular customers mentioned I “needed sun” about 10 minutes after Jason, my coworker, mentioned I didn’t seem to be feeling well (I wasn’t) and looked pale.

After work, I got some juice into me, but I still had zero energy. (Needless to say, I’m thankful for my day off tomorrow.) I felt frustrated and ready to pat myself on the back and call it a day. Then, I made dinner: Puerto Rican chicken and rice. It’s one of our favorites. ugh… It looked amazing, and I wanted some…badly.

I complained alot to Adam, he pretended dinner was awful (the worst of all the times I’ve made this recipe I’ve ever made…yeah right. That’s why he was eating it all.), and I laughed it all off, sick of my complaining and quitting heart, yet wondering if I would be okay–justified–to not finish what I’ve begun.

I thought about you and your faithful reading. I thought about the number of people praying for me. I thought about my health and the whole point of what I’m doing here. I thought about what I’m trying to gain here spiritually. That’s where He got me. Whine, whine, whine….and it’s not even been that long! I’m finally facing some spiritual testing, and I’m ready to throw in the towel!

In all honesty, when I step back, I feel great physically. So I’m a little tired. Big whip. It’s not like I even have a cold or sinus infection! I’m not in any pain. My stomach’s not hungry; my mind is.  My body is not in need; my spirit is.

I spent some time curled up in the arms of my heavenly Father tonight, crying out to Him for strength and perseverance as I continue this journey. It’s no longer about food. It’s no longer about so many things that were so distracting before. This whole journey has really become about not just taking another step towards the Lord but about running fleeing into His arms for rest and satisfaction.

This isn’t even about the fast anymore really. This is about finding my dependence in the Lord. This is about losing myself and my wishes and finding my comfort in Him.  This is about understanding suffering better (and this is hardly suffering…) and learning more about the sufficiency of His Grace.

Please continue to pray for me.

Today’s craving: salad. I would love a Greek salad with anchovies, feta cheese, and a nice, creamy dressing.

PS. Today is the 20% mark. 🙂