Victim.

Overwhelmed.
Under-paid.
Over-worked.
Under-appreciated.
Stressed.
Tired. Exhausted.
Frustrated.
Failing.
Quitting? Quitter?

I’ll admit. These have been the thoughts of the last few weeks at work. I’ve been ready to be done with big business, politics, a lack of integrity all together, miserly bosses, lazy workers (although, not all, thank God!), gossip, back-stabbing, complaining, accusations, blow-ups, dread.  There’s been so much going on. I’m even having nightmares about it.

I have been overwhelmed.

I have been at a point of giving up with my health as well. After $1800 of tests, my doctors are telling me there is no issue with my adrenal gland and/or my thyroid, and yet, I have all the symptoms.  Blood tests. Amba.  Extremely low iron, high cholesterol. Oh well.

The debt is killing me. It’s the only reason I’m working so hard at this job that’s so unrelated to what I studied those four, very expensive years at Master’s.  I want to write, to edit, to read… I’m serving coffee and donuts, encouraging and adding to the obesity epidemic in America. Failure.

We are hacking away at the debt, but it seems the numbers stay stagnant, like the ever-refilled stack of Snoopy’s bones in Charlie Brown’s Christmas. No matter how much he eats there is still a full stack of bones there. No matter how much we pay, the number seems to stay… still…. there…. never leaving.

Tonight I broke down after a full day of homemaker duties. I cleaned the house, baked some cookies, visited with an old friend, and collapsed at 5-something, exhausted.  It was a successful day, but I found myself in tears, frustrated with my lifestyle. Finally, a day that I have been wanting to work around the house, get my long-awaiting to-do list accomplished, and o, too soon, the time for heading to work was coming upon me.

How did I get here? Do I have to stay here? Will life be like this for the next year and a half? Why does it feel like I’m sacrificing all that is important to me for this stupid job?

[Pause.]

I just want you to pause here with me. Frustrated as I was, and legitimate as my feelings have been, there’s been a trend in all these thoughts for the last few weeks that have dictated my ability (or lack thereof) to handle stress, health problems, etc.  ME.  I’ve had such a self-centered, poor-me attitude that has torn me from true Joy, from an eternal perspective, and from Biblical prioritization.

Victim. It’s a word that my generation has overused. It’s a word that has dictated my mentality for the past few weeks, and a word that is leaving my vocabulary tonight.

I’ve been frustrated (and with good reason).
I’ve been tired (and there’s a cause).
I’ve been discouraged (understandable).

But I have Hope.

As Adam and I talked and cried and prayed together this evening for lifestyle changes for both of us individually and as a couple, the Pandora station we’d been listening to played on in the background.  At one point, Casting Crown’s “American Dream” played (and somehow the words were more pointed now) and then, as if a climax of emotion, a song (which of course, I can’t remember the title to now) came on that talked about God being the center of all we do every day.

Wow.

Here I was wallowing in my frustration, exhaustion, and self-pity, and God took my hand, reminded me of Who is to be the passion of my every day and Who will be the sustainer of my life for the next year and beyond.

So, with God’s strength, I start making time for what’s important.

I spend the time in the Word I need to.
I take the time to be on my knees the way I so often forget to.
I change my perspective.

I run and stay in shape the way I should been all along.
I take the vitamins (iron, vitamin d, etc) that I’ve been avoiding all along.

No more excuses.
No more victim mentality.
No more avoiding responsibility.

Do I still need prayer? Yes, please.
Will I need to reread this in about a week and a half? Probably.
Is God faithful to strengthen and sustain? Absolutely.

—-

Contentment is often viewed as living without something or being somewhere undesirable. Today I learned that contentment is also doing something disagreeable that God’s called you too, knowing He will not only strengthen but uphold you.

—

Isaiah 40:27-31

Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel,
“My way is hidden from the LORD,
And the justice due me escapes the notice of my God”?
Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth
Does not become weary or tired.
His understanding is inscrutable.
He gives strength to the weary,
And to him who lacks might He increases power.
Though youths grow weary and tired,
And vigorous young men stumble badly,
Yet those who wait for the LORD
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.